He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
