So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
