Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
