We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.