Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
