I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
