I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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