Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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