I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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