My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
