Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
