Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize
