Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
