Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You made out with two different species that night
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
