I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
