so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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