Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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