You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
