Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
