toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
