I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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