Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
