Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
