When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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