dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
