That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
