wakey wakey hands off snakey
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
