I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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