she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
