did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
