I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
