i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
