You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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