did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
