last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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