fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
They have beer where we have blood.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
