I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
