he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
