Hey man sorry I got all grabby
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
