Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
