is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize