Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
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After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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