i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
