Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just invented taco cereal.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
