I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
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Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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