Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
