I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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