He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
