Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
