I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
