it's too hot outside to masturbate.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
