So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
