Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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