just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
