Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
