i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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