Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
